The Hobbit Trilogy.

The Desolation of Smaug

I have some similar issues, but I think of the three Hobbit films, this one has the least bad in it (we’ll see with Five Armies).

Mainly that this one has actual energy to it, and doesn’t take forty minutes to get going. It’s still unnecessarily long, but it’s certainly the most streamlined of the three, going back to Jackson’s basics, and infusing an enthusiastic and magical touch to the film. He’s clearly having fun when it comes to the action, especially for featuring some of the most creative orc kills in the franchise, and despite some continued dodgy missteps, the effects are actually an improvement on Journey.

This is certainly no accident, as one might assume that a huge chunk of the budget was devoted specifically to Smaug - almighty Smaug. And it pays off, because this Dragon is amazing! Small screens don’t really do his imposing majesty much justice, but the utter terror instilled by this creature goes a long way in heightening the suspense of the film. And just as much thanks for that is really owed to Benedict Cumberbatch’s slithering vocals and mo-cap, and he is seriously worthy of nominations for his performance. At least when the film isn’t annoyingly cutting away from him, his first meeting with Bilbo is the highlight of the film, and honestly worthy of ranking alongside the best sequences of The Lord of the Rings.

But once again, I still have issues with the bloat of this movie, specifically characters and the sheer number of them. I reiterate, the dwarves 13 should not have been 13. They should have been 7 or 8. That’s how many actually have relevance in this movie. Otherwise, they are pure background fodder to load the group shots, taking necessary focus away from Bilbo when this is supposed to be his journey, although Bilbo’s standout moments do provide excellent character depth and development.

And that’s not helped by the other characters that the movie keeps piling on. While Lee Pace’s Thranduil and Luke Evans’ Bard are fine characters, Gandalf is completely squandered, and Legolas had no business being more than a cameo in Mirkwood. But Tauriel is a wasted, and cynical attempt at broadening the representation, a complete nothing who could be easily cut, and knowing how much worse she gets in Five Armies, I’m not looking forward to what they do with her there.

The branching subplots are also still an annoyance, but tame in comparison to the other films. Let’s just see how the final film ties up those loose ends, including that awful cliffhanger. If you’d have cut out that entire awful forge scene, made way for Smaug’s attack on Lake-Town, and put that at the end, that would have been a perfect ending for this movie. Watching it in hindsight only highlights how silly it was to withhold it.

Also, while I love the action of the movie, I’m starting to notice just how overly enthused Jackson can be. Compared to the Star Wars prequels, The Hobbit’s failing isn’t a lack of enthusiasm like Lucas, but too much enthusiasm (and one may argue that as an attempt to mask his apathy). Part of me also wonders if Pirates of the Caribbean - and it’s dizzying physics and wild stunts - may have proven something of a negative influence on Hollywood with others, including The Hobbit, trying to emulate it.

And again, at twice he length, I’m in certain want for those standout moments that make the Middle-Earth films so richly rewarding and emotional for me. While more of those are peppered in, a good portion of them aren’t satisfying or stirring to me, instead feeling artificial. So I certainly enjoyed this movie better, and it’s the closest the trilogy comes to a good film, but still riddled with crippling issues.

And the Stephen Colbert cameo made this movie.

The Battle of the Five Armies

I’ll be honest, the only reason I did this thread was so I could reassess this film. I’m not a believer in changing my opinion to match the mass crowd, but I am open to re-evaluating a movie after some time has gone by. So my thoughts on Battle of the Five Armies are...

I’m not gonna pretend. I was bored out of my mind.

I gave this movie way too much credit when I initially watched it. I for one liked it even if I had issues with it, but it has aged horribly in retrospect.

Granted, some of that may be down to how restless I was at the overbearing length. Even as the shortest movie, it felt like it went on forever. The attack on Lake-Town was a terrible way to begin this movie, not only because it has no reason to be held over from Desolation, but because I would argue the film peaks right here, and it never recovers after that. I think it was a huge mistake that Smaug didn’t stick around for the rest of the movie, loyal to the book or not, and as the best thing in this trilogy, it loses what charisma he brought to the proceedings.

And here is where I’ll likely irritate purist fans of Tolkien, but if it were me adapting this film, I would have cut or drastically modified everything inbetween his death and final ten minutes. The orcs and the Necromancer should have been eliminated entirely, because even in Tolkien’s source material, the orcs felt like such a superfluous final conflict. Taking Erebor back from Smaug was what started this journey, reclaiming it and smiting Smaug should have been the climax. This would not only make the pacing more streamlined and manageable, but made the film less schizophrenic as well. It’s like the film can’t decide who the real villain is, and revealing Sauron here just undermines his appearance in Rings, which similarly benefitted from streamlining story to focus its main conflict as Sauron. Or if you absolutely must have orcs, make them a minor inconvenience at some points, but keep the conflict focused on Smaug. Even if that’s Disneying it up, Disney it up if you have to.

And the dwarves thirteen should have been 7 or 8, once again, because that’s about as much as have actual relevance in this trilogy, with most of them mere background fodder in this last entry and don’t even get speaking lines. Plus, limiting the dwarves would have provided greater character development for those still left.

As for what is here, I was so bored through the relentless build up to the battle, which is so tedious and only serves to hammer home things we were already well versed in before. And only making things tedious is how useless many of Jackson’s additions end up being. The Necromancer has no pay off, those people in the epic war hold no emotional weight, Tauriel is pure window dressing by the end, that acorn Bilbo carries doesn’t come back, and even the Arkenstone, the thing that has been a vital MacGuffin in all of these movies, feels completely irrelevant. Like, what does the Arkenstone even do? It’s said that it gives whoever holds its power, but what power? It just feels like some random prop that someone grabs, and I guess that makes them King for some reason? Is it just to add extra luxury to the crown? I know this is a movie based on a kid’s novel we’re talking about, but when Jackson tries to give the story a more adult edge, he can’t just rest on his laurels. The logic needs to add up, and here it doesn’t.

Even the cast takes a bit of a tumble. While Martin Freeman is still perfectly cast as Bilbo (with that amazing heart to heart with Thorin over the acorn), and I did enjoy Lee Pace, Luke Evans, and more Cumby as Smaug, everyone else is wasted. McKellan continues to be squandered and lacking in his usual power, Lilly’s “why does it hurt so much” is such a laughable final note for her, the dwarves are background fodder at this point, and while Legolas is awesome, Bloom is so hilariously OP in this movie. Richard Armitage is also a pale imitation of Boromir, and nothing that he does matches the power or sincerity of Sean Bean.

And yeah, the production quality has really taken a tumble, including the awful and at times disgusting use of CGI (I’ve seen. Water CGI out of fan-made YouTube videos). I could tell they were running out of live-action resources by how progressively and frequently they began to rely on Star Wars green-screen, and how awful the orcs in particular began to look. The orcs make for some of the best makeup designs I’ve seen in any movie ever, and after Journey featured some creative new creations, and Desolation arguably made more of an effort to include practical effects, I don’t remember seeing a single live orc. They’ve gone all clone trooper on us, and they don’t feel nearly as intimidating as they’re earlier counterparts. And Billy Connolly, your uncanny valley Dain is so unappealing to look at. When even almighty Smaug has taken a hit, you’ve screwed up and gone overboard.

Speaking of which, I think what really clues me into the film’s laziness cane early on, and it wasn’t the CGI or the editing, the latter of which features very jarring and out of place cuts and sound cutting. It was that the sound team clearly forgot what program they used to process Smaug’s voice, and so his voice sounds unnaturally huskier than before. It’s minor, but it’s slightly distracting, and really highlights how little everyone seemed to care at this point.

I can’t even give the action, or the ungodly long final war any credit, because despite Jackson’s clear enthusiasm, he goes absolutely overboard when it comes to playing fast and loose with basic physics. At this point, the action has devolved into the kind of wildness to come from the Pirates of the Caribbean films, and the constant irritations of characters surviving things that should have killed them, namely Legolas and that awful Super Mario jump. But more importantly, I see this epic imagery, like these potentially awesome giant earth worms that help the orcs (and yet, they never think to use them in battle?), and wonder why I should even be excited? All the joy has been sapped away, and I’m just exhausted and waiting for it to be over at this point. And maybe the filmmakers are too, considering how quick they are to rush through the ending, like an overreaction to The Return of the King, not even sending many of its characters off on a proper note. It’s just dull, and I didn’t watch the extended edition, but I can only imagine that exacerbating my boredom.

That said, I probably don’t hate it as much as others (but it’s still pretty bad), and I do slightly prefer this to Attack of the Clones. In fact, I think the Hobbit is more consistently strong than the Star Wars prequels. But here’s the thing, at least Attack of the Clones was a uniquely bad movie. The Star Wars prequels were at least all unique in the issues they had, and love them or hate them, you’re not going to forget them. The Hobbit, while its consistently better, is just dull and cookie cutter, and I doubt I’ll remember it in the next few days.

And that’s severely disappointing coming off the heels of The Lord of the Rings, a trilogy so passionate and devoted to perfection, they recast a major character just days into filming. This just feels like a factory product with no surprises, and it leaves a sour aftertaste until the next meal, and that’s largely thanks to this exhausting, overlong closer.